I've never really experienced grief or sorrow before, I thought I had but I was wrong. There have been times when I'll be talking to Spirit and be giving gratitude for my life and then I'll wonder when my time would come to experience something life changing. I've spent my life spinning what could be thought of as negative experiences into learning and silver lining truths. That is part of my DNA. Now is no different but what is different is thinking that I could manage through it with out a scratch. I'm here to tell you that I'm bruised and battered but still alive.
I learned from the very best what it is to be a mother, to care for someone and create a space for them to grow. To encourage as well as hold healthy boundaries, when to say yes and when to say no. Always with love in your heart. My intense desire to create this kind of space for people is what has drawn me to teaching and exploring my own spirituality. We can not teach or share with others what we do not know in our own experience, this I know to be true. I experience no greater joy then when I am able to be used as a vessel for connection and healing, its what I was born to do. But what happens when I'm the one that's lost my way? What happens when I no longer see the silver lining and am blind to the light at the end of the tunnel? This becomes a challenge that can and has created powerful upset in my life.
We all have an inherent quality of energy that we walk around in everyday. I've come to understand mine more than I did in the past but it's still a daily practice to be present as well as authentic inside of this energy. This isn't unique. For those of you who know me personally, you won't be surprised when I describe myself has fiery. Fire is an element that can be both trans formative and destructive, it really all comes down to the intention behind it. We can offer things to the fire that need to be released and let go or we can be an arsonist of our own lives. Its a fine line and one that I have been walking precariously for the past couple of months.
For many years I have struggled with the decision of whether I want to have children or not. Frankly it scares the crap out of me. My fear of having children really has been much like a phobia, an allergy or something you would need a epipen for to survive the effects. So much fear. My husband and I have batted the idea back and forth with no real resolution. But in the last year there has been some healing around this lack of clarity and intense fear, some visions have come showing me what could be in store. A child. Coming. I began to get comfortable with the idea and even getting excited. I began to see that all this love I have to offer and my intense desire to create a space for something to grow would be perfectly channeled into the role of mother. There have been times, I'm sure you won't be surprised, when this energy has been misplace, misguided and instead of creating growth has caused disturbance.
Here is the kicker. As soon as I throw my hands up, literally and said to Spirit.... "I'm not scared anymore! I am ready, willing to open myself up to this new step in life, bring it on!" It happened, with in two weeks I'm pregnant. Wow. Now that's some powerful shit if you ask me. Not that I'm surprised but ok, maybe a little surprised.
I knew it. I hadn't missed my moon cycle yet or had any real symptoms but I just knew. I took the test and sure enough several positive pregnancy tests later I'm at the doctors office. Yup, pregnant. But here is the thing, we come to find out its Ectopic. So we can't keep it. What is up with that? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is it to finally find some strength to open to it and then when I do to find out it isn't viable. No only is it not viable but I have to take chemotherapy to stop it. That is the nicest way i know to say it. Stop the pregnancy.
I don't write this to be a downer but at some point I have to express how I really feel about this whole situation and locking it up inside isn't working. I promise. The acting out that has come from that just about brought down the foundation of my life as I know it. I am devastated by this unfolding of events and have no idea how to get back to feeling connected to all that I know in my heart to be true. This has been the biggest challenge of my life so far and I really have no idea what to do with it. So this is my therapy, to be honest and share what I'm experiencing. This is why I haven't written, it is why I've been looking for anything to ease the pain and confusion of it all.
I've not been so vulnerable in all my life. There is one person that I have felt has seen me as I really am inside of all of this and I'm so grateful for that vision. But I have to see myself clearly through all of this and I'm not quite there yet. So here I am, humbled. Grieving and taking it one step at a time. All I can say is that writing is a gift that I'm so grateful for. So for those of you who made it this far in this entry, thank you for listening and keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We are all one, we are friends, family, and siblings. We play so many roles for one another and that is a blessed and beautiful thing.
The image attached to this post is one that I saw in New Orleans and it spoke to my heart so deeply. How she looks is how I feel. And it feels good to see it and be with that.
